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Another update, and confirmation
May. 3rd, 2005 10:54 pmFirst, the update.
After a magickal weekend, I have made some hard choices about relationships and about my Life, both professionally and personally. This weekend cost a lot of trust and loss of privileges in some relationships, but gained me honor and trust in others. I will be relocating soon, but locally, and I will be keeping my current employment and current professional obligations. Personally, I will be clarifying relationships that I have needed to clarify for some time. If you are unsure about where you are with me, ask me. I'll tell you. In person. Honestly. No holding back, no confusion. I'm going to be resolving a lot of connections, and I have to atone for a lot.
Also, I will be amping up progress on my dissertation. I'm teaching, and training for my next belt rank for Karatedo, with a promotion next month. I'm losing a bit more weight. I've pretty much sold the Sanctum Sanctorum to the Seneschal, and left Ten Mae in her care. I'm looking for a place to live, in the country. I will continue in Freemasonry, and my spiritual classes. I've gotten back a stolen weapon. And my yuri-do, my beautiful Japanese armour breastplate and shoulder harness, has arrived. Many of the loose ends in my Life are coming to a close.
Next, the confirmation.
My last two posts have been a quest to learn how others see me, although much of the posts were not actually about me. In addition to my previous post of acknowledgment of those things that people see in me, let me add that I will be careful about pruning too much, about striving too hard for perfection, and that I stir up lots of wa chaos.
The RWB and Nericksx have made a very late night Denny's run to Salem to gift me with more valuable comments, primarily that I think on a more Japanese than American way (many layers rather than saying straight out what I think), and that my 'extraordinary deliberateness' in what I say, do, think, network, and set goals is taken for manipulation, calculation, condescension, and coldness. My subtle teaching and learning, or my friendly flirting, or even subtle disagreement, is taken as flattery or again as condescension, and JIC and others have had the same experiences with this as in my work relationships. How I usually use my journal is to update others, and process internally, not necessarily for feedback from others, and definitely not to be fawned upon or healed; I've not usually asked for either of these things and don't usually want them in this context.
Anonymous posts seem to have much to say about my need to lose pride and fear, and gain humility. Using chaos as a shield and a weapon to end uncomfortable relationships was a gift, as was their perspective of abuse of chi for power dynamics. The Darklady's post about getting lost in form and losing function was also a valuable gift. The BF's comments and analogies regarding power dynamics (balance beam and 100% with other percentages) and how that may make me appear condescending, and how gentle vs. clear expressions of my feelings (more disclosure) reduces trust, and how I may create an illusion of a deeper relationship than intended, is perhaps the most useful, and I do receive her comments, as well as the others, with the love and intent from which it was written.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and courage to write and teach me. Oss.
Grim
After a magickal weekend, I have made some hard choices about relationships and about my Life, both professionally and personally. This weekend cost a lot of trust and loss of privileges in some relationships, but gained me honor and trust in others. I will be relocating soon, but locally, and I will be keeping my current employment and current professional obligations. Personally, I will be clarifying relationships that I have needed to clarify for some time. If you are unsure about where you are with me, ask me. I'll tell you. In person. Honestly. No holding back, no confusion. I'm going to be resolving a lot of connections, and I have to atone for a lot.
Also, I will be amping up progress on my dissertation. I'm teaching, and training for my next belt rank for Karatedo, with a promotion next month. I'm losing a bit more weight. I've pretty much sold the Sanctum Sanctorum to the Seneschal, and left Ten Mae in her care. I'm looking for a place to live, in the country. I will continue in Freemasonry, and my spiritual classes. I've gotten back a stolen weapon. And my yuri-do, my beautiful Japanese armour breastplate and shoulder harness, has arrived. Many of the loose ends in my Life are coming to a close.
Next, the confirmation.
My last two posts have been a quest to learn how others see me, although much of the posts were not actually about me. In addition to my previous post of acknowledgment of those things that people see in me, let me add that I will be careful about pruning too much, about striving too hard for perfection, and that I stir up lots of wa chaos.
The RWB and Nericksx have made a very late night Denny's run to Salem to gift me with more valuable comments, primarily that I think on a more Japanese than American way (many layers rather than saying straight out what I think), and that my 'extraordinary deliberateness' in what I say, do, think, network, and set goals is taken for manipulation, calculation, condescension, and coldness. My subtle teaching and learning, or my friendly flirting, or even subtle disagreement, is taken as flattery or again as condescension, and JIC and others have had the same experiences with this as in my work relationships. How I usually use my journal is to update others, and process internally, not necessarily for feedback from others, and definitely not to be fawned upon or healed; I've not usually asked for either of these things and don't usually want them in this context.
Anonymous posts seem to have much to say about my need to lose pride and fear, and gain humility. Using chaos as a shield and a weapon to end uncomfortable relationships was a gift, as was their perspective of abuse of chi for power dynamics. The Darklady's post about getting lost in form and losing function was also a valuable gift. The BF's comments and analogies regarding power dynamics (balance beam and 100% with other percentages) and how that may make me appear condescending, and how gentle vs. clear expressions of my feelings (more disclosure) reduces trust, and how I may create an illusion of a deeper relationship than intended, is perhaps the most useful, and I do receive her comments, as well as the others, with the love and intent from which it was written.
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and courage to write and teach me. Oss.
Grim
