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Monthly update
Feb. 9th, 2006 05:47 pmWell. I have had a very interesting month. Many of the Old Fears have resurfaced, and I am struggling to embrace them. My internship must happen, as I have run out of time in the program, and my petition was denied. I must try again through Clearinghouse, even though I failed the last time. A 10-year old $10,000 debt has come due, even though I literally have no money to put in my gas tank. Dissertation has raised its ugly head, and I must defend by May, even though my creative and analytical process seems to have deserted me. I may have to leave the Fortress of Solitude, and my dojo, for a year, and go to another state, and work for either nothing or a pittance, to gain “mental health experience”, even though I have almost 13 years of that. I may have to radically change many of my relationships, especially with Tamarta and the BF. This may start immediately after Burning Man, whose theme is, “The Future: Hope and Fear.” How appropriate.
However, I know that I create my own reality, thanks to seeing “What the Bleep Do We Know?” for the third time last night with the BF and other friends. I know that my fears are really just that. Ritual work with the chakras I will be doing has opened my training with them. I know that my root and sacral charkas are clogged, and that I need to clear them out, thanks to my Tantra teacher who also called me last night out of the blue (or should I say red and yellow?). I know that this is really about my doubt about my ability to provide for myself and my physical and financial security, and my doubt about my ability to persevere. It’s also about my questioning of my ability to be creative, my legacy, and to communicate my needs in relationships.
My student is reading Musashi, and learning Bushido. Teaching and mentoring her is also teaching me, and bringing up these old fears, as are breathing exercises I was dabbling in. As Hunter Thompson often said, when challenged, “Ho ho.” To know is to act. I gather myself. I breathe. I relax, and I clear the decks for action. I plan. I have emptied my cup. I am Open on All Eight Ways. My documentation is ready for the Clearinghouse, on the 28th. I am eliminating extra investments, cashing in benefit checks, creating a financial plan, and I will pay off my debt. I am dedicating every possible day to working on my dissertation. I will meditate and ground, sinking into the earth, and earn that sword. I will train harder, and smarter, and test for my 6th kyu (upper purple belt) before I have to leave, so as to be able to transfer to another Ryo Bu Kai dojo at a higher level. I will be prioritizing my charkas, and communicating about relationships, especially with the BF and Tamarta.
Ho ho.
However, I know that I create my own reality, thanks to seeing “What the Bleep Do We Know?” for the third time last night with the BF and other friends. I know that my fears are really just that. Ritual work with the chakras I will be doing has opened my training with them. I know that my root and sacral charkas are clogged, and that I need to clear them out, thanks to my Tantra teacher who also called me last night out of the blue (or should I say red and yellow?). I know that this is really about my doubt about my ability to provide for myself and my physical and financial security, and my doubt about my ability to persevere. It’s also about my questioning of my ability to be creative, my legacy, and to communicate my needs in relationships.
My student is reading Musashi, and learning Bushido. Teaching and mentoring her is also teaching me, and bringing up these old fears, as are breathing exercises I was dabbling in. As Hunter Thompson often said, when challenged, “Ho ho.” To know is to act. I gather myself. I breathe. I relax, and I clear the decks for action. I plan. I have emptied my cup. I am Open on All Eight Ways. My documentation is ready for the Clearinghouse, on the 28th. I am eliminating extra investments, cashing in benefit checks, creating a financial plan, and I will pay off my debt. I am dedicating every possible day to working on my dissertation. I will meditate and ground, sinking into the earth, and earn that sword. I will train harder, and smarter, and test for my 6th kyu (upper purple belt) before I have to leave, so as to be able to transfer to another Ryo Bu Kai dojo at a higher level. I will be prioritizing my charkas, and communicating about relationships, especially with the BF and Tamarta.
Ho ho.
