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Answers to the Question.
Oct. 9th, 2006 01:08 amI cannot sleep, which is very unusual for me. My mind is working very hard, processing something I cannot articulate. It, in itself, is effecting my communication, especially with Tam.
Ok, be a psychologist, then. Use your skills. Let's get a consult.
What I have learned:
1. I seem to be unable to reach myself. I may be, according to Jharma, trying to convince yourself to see something, to face something, to prove something, and/or to let go of something. She feels I am either unable or unwilling to set boundaries for yourself. She feels that what others see as being unable to hear the word “no” is really my attempt to "prove something to yourself or to someone you feel has hurt you, something for which you have never been able to simply forgive yourself for and let go". She believes that I was not deliberately trying to manipulate anyone, but that which I was helping others bring out in themselves were the very things I sought to bring out in myself. She believes that I "seek to be loved, and the love you seek lies within you, just waiting to be embraced, just waiting to be allowed to BE."
2. Sienna believes that I may have an air of privilege, and that I take setbacks and defeat harder than necessary, which may be gender-based, or not. The BF and JIC also believe that I have that 'invisible knapsack'/"celebrity" issue. I am less convinced that this is completely correct. Victor, another white male, believes that this may be leadership, and brings up the good point that this is all perception. This may also be, as JIC said, that I do have a tendency to state plans rather than make requests, assuming everyone has the same boundary strength as I do, which is simply a wrong assumption I probably do make automatically, but one which may explain the privilege/manipulation issue.
3. SPL says that I don't hear what I don't want to hear, which does bother me perhaps the most. This may tie in with #2.
4. Siduriana believes that I have a lack of awareness of the boundary of "other." She has noticed that I don't "see" her, only my projection of her. She sees fear of intimacy as the reason I "remain always and irrevocably distant". She suggests sitting with my emotional discomfort for a while, and just accept it as a part of being. This may lead back to trying to reach myself, although this is Siduriana's perception---who has never really had a strong connection with me because I have never really opened up to her because of my own fear.
5. TigressSky believes that male/female energy motivates my interactions and is the source of the boundary issue, of my structure imposing on other people less structured energies and 'forcing' others to confront challenges, that perhaps I was also facing (from Jharma).
OK. What I'd like is more comments, if you feel safe and willing to do so. Ideas? Integration of this? Thoughts? I welcome them. Please help me see this.
Ok, be a psychologist, then. Use your skills. Let's get a consult.
What I have learned:
1. I seem to be unable to reach myself. I may be, according to Jharma, trying to convince yourself to see something, to face something, to prove something, and/or to let go of something. She feels I am either unable or unwilling to set boundaries for yourself. She feels that what others see as being unable to hear the word “no” is really my attempt to "prove something to yourself or to someone you feel has hurt you, something for which you have never been able to simply forgive yourself for and let go". She believes that I was not deliberately trying to manipulate anyone, but that which I was helping others bring out in themselves were the very things I sought to bring out in myself. She believes that I "seek to be loved, and the love you seek lies within you, just waiting to be embraced, just waiting to be allowed to BE."
2. Sienna believes that I may have an air of privilege, and that I take setbacks and defeat harder than necessary, which may be gender-based, or not. The BF and JIC also believe that I have that 'invisible knapsack'/"celebrity" issue. I am less convinced that this is completely correct. Victor, another white male, believes that this may be leadership, and brings up the good point that this is all perception. This may also be, as JIC said, that I do have a tendency to state plans rather than make requests, assuming everyone has the same boundary strength as I do, which is simply a wrong assumption I probably do make automatically, but one which may explain the privilege/manipulation issue.
3. SPL says that I don't hear what I don't want to hear, which does bother me perhaps the most. This may tie in with #2.
4. Siduriana believes that I have a lack of awareness of the boundary of "other." She has noticed that I don't "see" her, only my projection of her. She sees fear of intimacy as the reason I "remain always and irrevocably distant". She suggests sitting with my emotional discomfort for a while, and just accept it as a part of being. This may lead back to trying to reach myself, although this is Siduriana's perception---who has never really had a strong connection with me because I have never really opened up to her because of my own fear.
5. TigressSky believes that male/female energy motivates my interactions and is the source of the boundary issue, of my structure imposing on other people less structured energies and 'forcing' others to confront challenges, that perhaps I was also facing (from Jharma).
OK. What I'd like is more comments, if you feel safe and willing to do so. Ideas? Integration of this? Thoughts? I welcome them. Please help me see this.
