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My Heart Cave Meditation
Mar. 21st, 2007 09:24 amI was lonely.
I haven’t had much contact from my inner circle support network, because they have been busy---but Tam and Kristi have both called last night, and I’ve talked about this with them a bit. After the calls, I began thinking, as they encourage me to do, sometimes unknowingly. Yes, I have acquaintances, and other people I call and email, but they know one aspect of me (Tang Soo Do, or the gym, or the Masons, or Psychology, or some local educational groups), and it’s not really love, just companionship. I’m not questioning whether or not I do love Tam. I haven’t found anyone like her who matches and enhances my energy like here out here in NC.
The Warrior Ascetic in me tells me that love is an illusion. Perhaps losing an illusion, as Ludwig Borne writes, makes you wiser than finding the truth. We all change, and how we look at change depends on how we live life. Love is an attachment of the mind that we can suffer through, or we can enjoy when it happens, and work on self-growth when it doesn’t. Out of fear we cling to the familiar, and avoid change. We prefer the comfortable misery we know, rather than taking a chance on bliss we don’t know. Stress happens when the mind resists what is, as Dan Millman writes. Instead of resistance--- respond, flow, and go with it, to your advantage. Pay attention to reality!
So, where’s my illusion? My future plans were on hold, as I waited to see what Tam might do, because I want to have her in my life, but I don’t think even she knows what she wants to do. I was disillusioned, stressed, cynical, and mentally paralyzed. I had to decide about applying for jobs and post-docs, and where, and what to do about my house, and my stuff, and Phaedrus, and I was feeling stuck and unable to decide. After talking to Tam tonight, the best decision for now is to return to Oregon, maybe get a post-doc at Oregon State Hospital, open a small private practice, and take back over the Fortress of Solitude. I am, however, going to also be looking at jobs and post-docs elsewhere, and even overseas opportunities. It’s not what’s really happening, it’s about what I was thinking was happening that was causing me to feel lonely. Ah! Ho, ho. Ok, then. I need to get busy finishing my dissertation revisions, track my hours, and update my CV. Then I’ll be prepared to talk to Psychology licensure boards and post-doc placements.
To quote Dan Millman again, “silence is the warrior’s art, and meditation is his sword … with it, he cuts the mind to ribbons, slashing through thoughts to reveal their lack of substance.”
I’m not lonely anymore.
I haven’t had much contact from my inner circle support network, because they have been busy---but Tam and Kristi have both called last night, and I’ve talked about this with them a bit. After the calls, I began thinking, as they encourage me to do, sometimes unknowingly. Yes, I have acquaintances, and other people I call and email, but they know one aspect of me (Tang Soo Do, or the gym, or the Masons, or Psychology, or some local educational groups), and it’s not really love, just companionship. I’m not questioning whether or not I do love Tam. I haven’t found anyone like her who matches and enhances my energy like here out here in NC.
The Warrior Ascetic in me tells me that love is an illusion. Perhaps losing an illusion, as Ludwig Borne writes, makes you wiser than finding the truth. We all change, and how we look at change depends on how we live life. Love is an attachment of the mind that we can suffer through, or we can enjoy when it happens, and work on self-growth when it doesn’t. Out of fear we cling to the familiar, and avoid change. We prefer the comfortable misery we know, rather than taking a chance on bliss we don’t know. Stress happens when the mind resists what is, as Dan Millman writes. Instead of resistance--- respond, flow, and go with it, to your advantage. Pay attention to reality!
So, where’s my illusion? My future plans were on hold, as I waited to see what Tam might do, because I want to have her in my life, but I don’t think even she knows what she wants to do. I was disillusioned, stressed, cynical, and mentally paralyzed. I had to decide about applying for jobs and post-docs, and where, and what to do about my house, and my stuff, and Phaedrus, and I was feeling stuck and unable to decide. After talking to Tam tonight, the best decision for now is to return to Oregon, maybe get a post-doc at Oregon State Hospital, open a small private practice, and take back over the Fortress of Solitude. I am, however, going to also be looking at jobs and post-docs elsewhere, and even overseas opportunities. It’s not what’s really happening, it’s about what I was thinking was happening that was causing me to feel lonely. Ah! Ho, ho. Ok, then. I need to get busy finishing my dissertation revisions, track my hours, and update my CV. Then I’ll be prepared to talk to Psychology licensure boards and post-doc placements.
To quote Dan Millman again, “silence is the warrior’s art, and meditation is his sword … with it, he cuts the mind to ribbons, slashing through thoughts to reveal their lack of substance.”
I’m not lonely anymore.
