grim23 | Samhain

It’s almost as if I and others expect me to fall apart, because this is the time of year when I am supposed to fall apart, and have fallen apart in the past. Simply because I have had that pattern in the past does not mean I have to continue that pattern. Identifying with a specific role in a pattern simply gives the pattern even more power. Divesting myself of that belief system of myself and of others, frees me. My inner being is strong or weak depending on how I feel about myself and how I understand the nature of energy and metaphysical reality.

I can make a choice about whether or not I will be depressed. It’s my choice if I chose to become anxious. It’s my choice whether or not I will be angry. It’s my choice whether or not I will be afraid. Ho, ho. I will approach the season as one where I can become even more introspective, and turn the pattern into something I can use.

Wilde writes that dedication is the Warrior’s prayer to him or herself, a mode of “fierce concentration.” This means becoming fiercely dedicated to myself, concentrating on my needs and projects that improve me, taking time to acknowledge that I am here in this plane of existence to develop my evolution. This means creating a newer meaning for my life for myself and my loved ones that will continue to build and grow over time. Therefore, with heightened perception, courage, will and determination, I accept complete responsibility for my life.

Instead of falling apart, I will sleep better. I will eat better. I will continue to practice balancing myself, tantrically and otherwise. I will reexamine my exercise program, and work my body more effectively to supplement my Tang Soo Do training. Instead of depression, I will train my Tang Soo Do at a level higher than my rank. I have found out that I have passed my 9th Gup test, and I was asked to privately test for 8th Gup before the next testing cycle, but this also means that I will be expected to perform better than the average 8th Gup student. However, once I have achieved 8th Gup, I am allowed to privately train with Master Tim with nunchuku. Ok. That’s my incentive, which will provide motivation to work harder and focus more.

Getting clear on exactly what I want is the first step in manifesting my goals. I’m working on what it is that I bring to a relationship, what I expect from a relationship, how I communicate, and what it is I still have to work on. This week, I expect to start writing down and increasing my awareness of this, and then manifesting changes.

Happy Samhain, ya’ll.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I still think Taijiquan would greatly benefit you in countless ways. I think it will teach you the balancing abilities to your Tang Soo Do. Instead of heightened awareness (which is something you already do well) Taijiquan will help you achieve stillness of mind, body and soul. It is through stillness of mind, body and soul that one can truly let go of so much that no longer serves us anyways. I still think that's one area you could stand to nurture and develop. (referring to that stillness of mind/body/soul) I wish I had the chance to teach you some of it, so you would know what I mean.

One of the things I learned while working with you was that we all have tendencies towards repeating patterns, no matter how good our intentions or determined we are to break them. Until we actually face the unresolved issue which is causing the repeated patterns in the first place, and embrace the truth buried behind it, those patterns will continue to repeat themselves.

It was because of you that I was able to see this, and embrace this. It was because of you that I was able to deal with some of the most self defeating patterns I never wanted to face about myself. And because of that, I was actually able to break those self defeating patterns.

I think this is the perfect opportunity to say thank you, and that I hope I can repay the debt someday.

Jharma

Forgot to mention (I am forever forgetting things. So much for breaking all my patterns lol) that one of the biggest self defeating patterns I found within myself was how I went about solving problems.

I got better and better able to recognize my shortcomings, but I always went about solving them the same old way, not realizing that how I was solving the problem was PART of the problem. I wasn't truly solving the problem, only convincing myself that I was.

Yeah, an important part of the message I know, but I wanted you to know anyways.

Jharma

Hmmm. Tang Soo Do has an element of more flowing control of your movements similar to Taijiquan, and also my tantric training has helped with my body/mind/spirit stillness. You're right, though, I can use work in that area.

I am honored to have been able to help you, or more correctly, provide what you needed to be able to help yourself.

I have copied what you said into my private journal, and I will work on that. Thank you very much. Perhaps you have just repaid me. *smile*

Namaste,
Grim

So, one year on December 5, I was at a party with people I enjoyed, but I wasn't feeling the happiness that usually came with it. I was unusually sensitive to everything around me, and I just about broke down over a paintball team scrapbook-style videotape. It would normally have been moving emotionally, yes, ut not to tears. I'm not naturally a tearful person. My mom called unexpectedly and I took my phone outside to share the wackness and my frustration with that extreme sensitivity.

She said, "Um, do you realize today is your late sister's birthday?"

And that, of course, was when it clicked that my subconscious grief was bleeding into all those interactions. And once identified, I could accept it. Ever since, I've used that time of year to remember her, and in remembering and missing her, keep emotional turmoil from the rest of my world.

It may not be such a simple solution for your situation, but it was something I'd never even considered until Mom brought it up.

That's very wise. Exactly.

I have had a lot of lessons and changes, and my identity for the last five years has changed with the season as I processed that grief and loss, sometime to an almost clinical depression. This year I'm aware of the pattern and unwilling to let it interfere with my introspection and growth.

Thank you. I continue to value your thoughts, and they're almost always on target.

Grim

It's not been a good day - this season is difficult with this weekend always being particularly stressful. I wish I was at the place where you are - where I can choose. I can choose how I to cope and react - but the triggers are there nonetheless.

Progress...baby steps....and thank you for the lighting some night lights along the road.

*hugs*

Were I a counselor, or a wise man, I might say:

So, if you know the triggers are there...greet them. Ask them respectfully what part of them is the part of you that you are violently rejecting. Listen closely with an open mind. Ask over and over again until you understand. Thank the trigger for the lesson. Embrace the trigger.

Respond instead of react. Be a Warrior instead of on automatic pilot.

However, I'm an Intern, not a counselor, and I'm certainly not wise. Just ask Beth. *smile* Just sayin'.

*Hugs back*

you are not wise. niether am i. i am just a silly little girl. and silly little girls think that Halloweenie times are for candy and hot apple cider and snuggling with Daddy type guys and embarassing your doggies by forcing them to wear costumes.

far better for wise people to struglle with deep meaningful issues than to listen to silly little girls.

Well. There you have it, then. *grin*

Love and care about you, seester.

I hear you. November 11th is getting too close for comfort for me. I tell myself every year that THIS year will be different. Maybe this year, it will be.
Kittin

I believe it will, if you believe it will. Everything else in your life has changed, and you're more positive and courageous now than I have ever seen you.

I think 11/11 being different is the way I'd bet.

Love,
Grim

Funny how all this dawned on me this past week too. I am waiting here in dread of dieing and then wondering why? Why be scared of change? I have never held fear for it before. I am destruction after all. I am change. As soon as my attitude changed very shortly after that feeling was shown to me, the one I cant explain.

So what Im dieing...the rebirth is gonna be worth it. I enter my battlefield and the death it brings with honor and great courage and I put fear aside.

I love you and am so happy to share with you what I can while you are away and see how connected we still are!

~TigressSky~

Yes. I wish you a suceesful death and rebirth, O Warrior Queen.

I'm still here for you, and I'll continue to be here.

Love you back. I miss you, even though lj helps. I expect we will be connected for some time. *smile*

Grimyogaandtantratrainingkicksmybuttster

Samhain

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