My Heart Cave Meditation
Mar. 21st, 2007 09:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grim23I was lonely.
I haven’t had much contact from my inner circle support network, because they have been busy---but Tam and Kristi have both called last night, and I’ve talked about this with them a bit. After the calls, I began thinking, as they encourage me to do, sometimes unknowingly. Yes, I have acquaintances, and other people I call and email, but they know one aspect of me (Tang Soo Do, or the gym, or the Masons, or Psychology, or some local educational groups), and it’s not really love, just companionship. I’m not questioning whether or not I do love Tam. I haven’t found anyone like her who matches and enhances my energy like here out here in NC.
The Warrior Ascetic in me tells me that love is an illusion. Perhaps losing an illusion, as Ludwig Borne writes, makes you wiser than finding the truth. We all change, and how we look at change depends on how we live life. Love is an attachment of the mind that we can suffer through, or we can enjoy when it happens, and work on self-growth when it doesn’t. Out of fear we cling to the familiar, and avoid change. We prefer the comfortable misery we know, rather than taking a chance on bliss we don’t know. Stress happens when the mind resists what is, as Dan Millman writes. Instead of resistance--- respond, flow, and go with it, to your advantage. Pay attention to reality!
So, where’s my illusion? My future plans were on hold, as I waited to see what Tam might do, because I want to have her in my life, but I don’t think even she knows what she wants to do. I was disillusioned, stressed, cynical, and mentally paralyzed. I had to decide about applying for jobs and post-docs, and where, and what to do about my house, and my stuff, and Phaedrus, and I was feeling stuck and unable to decide. After talking to Tam tonight, the best decision for now is to return to Oregon, maybe get a post-doc at Oregon State Hospital, open a small private practice, and take back over the Fortress of Solitude. I am, however, going to also be looking at jobs and post-docs elsewhere, and even overseas opportunities. It’s not what’s really happening, it’s about what I was thinking was happening that was causing me to feel lonely. Ah! Ho, ho. Ok, then. I need to get busy finishing my dissertation revisions, track my hours, and update my CV. Then I’ll be prepared to talk to Psychology licensure boards and post-doc placements.
To quote Dan Millman again, “silence is the warrior’s art, and meditation is his sword … with it, he cuts the mind to ribbons, slashing through thoughts to reveal their lack of substance.”
I’m not lonely anymore.
I haven’t had much contact from my inner circle support network, because they have been busy---but Tam and Kristi have both called last night, and I’ve talked about this with them a bit. After the calls, I began thinking, as they encourage me to do, sometimes unknowingly. Yes, I have acquaintances, and other people I call and email, but they know one aspect of me (Tang Soo Do, or the gym, or the Masons, or Psychology, or some local educational groups), and it’s not really love, just companionship. I’m not questioning whether or not I do love Tam. I haven’t found anyone like her who matches and enhances my energy like here out here in NC.
The Warrior Ascetic in me tells me that love is an illusion. Perhaps losing an illusion, as Ludwig Borne writes, makes you wiser than finding the truth. We all change, and how we look at change depends on how we live life. Love is an attachment of the mind that we can suffer through, or we can enjoy when it happens, and work on self-growth when it doesn’t. Out of fear we cling to the familiar, and avoid change. We prefer the comfortable misery we know, rather than taking a chance on bliss we don’t know. Stress happens when the mind resists what is, as Dan Millman writes. Instead of resistance--- respond, flow, and go with it, to your advantage. Pay attention to reality!
So, where’s my illusion? My future plans were on hold, as I waited to see what Tam might do, because I want to have her in my life, but I don’t think even she knows what she wants to do. I was disillusioned, stressed, cynical, and mentally paralyzed. I had to decide about applying for jobs and post-docs, and where, and what to do about my house, and my stuff, and Phaedrus, and I was feeling stuck and unable to decide. After talking to Tam tonight, the best decision for now is to return to Oregon, maybe get a post-doc at Oregon State Hospital, open a small private practice, and take back over the Fortress of Solitude. I am, however, going to also be looking at jobs and post-docs elsewhere, and even overseas opportunities. It’s not what’s really happening, it’s about what I was thinking was happening that was causing me to feel lonely. Ah! Ho, ho. Ok, then. I need to get busy finishing my dissertation revisions, track my hours, and update my CV. Then I’ll be prepared to talk to Psychology licensure boards and post-doc placements.
To quote Dan Millman again, “silence is the warrior’s art, and meditation is his sword … with it, he cuts the mind to ribbons, slashing through thoughts to reveal their lack of substance.”
I’m not lonely anymore.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
stress happens
Date: 2007-03-21 01:56 pm (UTC)That describes it beautifully.
bliss we don’t know - yet
Date: 2007-03-21 03:41 pm (UTC)Somehow I figured this out years ago. But maybe being in a very bad marriage at a young age helped me understand. Being "alone" is so much better than coming home to a hostile situation. Extend that to: Being available allows you to embrace opportunity. Comfortable misery isn't living. My time in "alone space" appears to have been worth the wait.
If it is short lived, at least I have once again tasted "enjoyed bliss".
no subject
Date: 2007-03-21 03:55 pm (UTC)I miss you and want to be there for you and apologize if it seems I havent been.
Love you!
~Tig~
no subject
Date: 2007-03-21 03:57 pm (UTC)Kittin
no subject
Date: 2007-03-21 04:48 pm (UTC)"It’s not what’s really happening, it’s about what I was thinking was happening that was causing me to feel lonely. Ah! Ho, ho. Ok, then."
Take that sentence and replace the ending "lonely" with any kind of negative emotional experience... worry, stress, sorrow, grief, anger, fear, and yes even lonely... and Wow!! What a powerful realization!
That is exactly something I experienced last night, regarding sorrow and longing for a "lost" love, and this morning regarding stress, worry and fear about my job. All those draining emotions I let control me based not upon what is actually happening... but on what I think and feel may be happening.
So much wasted energy... no wonder I'm so easily tired and drained. So much unnecessary grief over what is only a brief illusion of reality within my own mind.
To echo Tig's words -- I love you, and I wish to be there for you more than I have been... I miss so much our coffee together, and hours of talking. And I'm proud of you, for all you have accomplished, and for all you have opened yourself up to learning. You have grown so much in this time, just so very much since I first met you. I was impressed with what I thought you were then, not knowing you. Now I am impressed with who you are within, and who you are allowing yourself to Be.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-21 11:05 pm (UTC)If we are meant to be on the same paths, wooo-hooo! Yes, I want to have you in my life, too (even if it is on opposite sides of the world). But if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm like a bad itch that never goes away...(grin).
Re: stress happens
Date: 2007-03-22 10:40 pm (UTC)Re: bliss we don’t know - yet
Date: 2007-03-22 10:44 pm (UTC)Congratulations on your bliss!
no subject
Date: 2007-03-22 10:46 pm (UTC)I miss you, too. *smile* I have no expectations. I know you're busy.
Love you back!
Grimster
no subject
Date: 2007-03-22 10:48 pm (UTC)Did I mention I have a small gift for you?
Love,
Grim
no subject
Date: 2007-03-22 10:50 pm (UTC)Love,
Grim/Aldebaran
no subject
Date: 2007-03-22 10:54 pm (UTC)Right now, I'm very glad that you want to have me in your life, and I feel the same way. Yes, it is my path, but I want to have you beside me on that path, if the Universe makes that happen.
I love you, very much.
I really enjoyed the late night phone call last night. :>
Love,
Grim/Aldebaran
no subject
Date: 2007-03-23 12:10 am (UTC)Kittin
no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-24 03:31 am (UTC)Whatever happens, go with what attracts you most, what you want most and everything will fall into place eventually.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-29 09:51 pm (UTC)Grim