What I'm learning

[grim23]

So, I've been in a mindset where I've been learning and working with grief. I've been to a seminar on transformative grief, been working on this with clients and with friends, reading friend's blogs, and been doing much of my own process, even if I've not been talking about it. I'm open to the universe showing me what I need to learn. There is no protective bubble of denial keeping me from awareness; I've opened that box and thrown the box away - now I am doing something with the contents.

There is a lot of loss in many people's lives, including mine. What I have actually lost is less important. I'm blessed with what I do have, like my health, my friends, my cat, and my practice. I've recently gotten excellent counsel about ways to help Phaedrus, and my practice continues to slowly grow and teach me, as well. However, to suffer is to grow - building character and perspective, and faith that everything is as it is to be.

I am reminded by my clients, even today, that beneath grief there is often anger, and helplessness and fear. Anger spends itself when allowed, and can be spent without harm to anyone - unless it's stopped, and held, and built into resentment and hate. Grief accumulates, and requires time and energy that people may not want to spend. Grief requires someone to witness it, and the grief and its significance has to be respected, honored, and trusted. It does not evaporate over time by itself.

People often get angry when they are vulnerable, because they are socialized to use anger as a strength point - unless they learn other ways. The uchideshi visiting me last weekend reinforced those other ways, and encouraged vulnerability - a lesson for both of us. Strength, in my opinion, is compassion and mindfulness.

For those on my friend's list, and others, I offer compassion and forgiveness, from Robin Casarjian's book, as "a bold choice for a peaceful heart," as a transformation for grief and anger. The alternative, not forgiving and remaining in anger/fear, is a very heavy load that I do not wish to carry. I wish you all peace and health, and may you find your own ways of transforming grief and anger and fear.

Comments

[prairie-kittin.livejournal.com]

"Grief requires someone to witness it, and the grief and its significance has to be respected, honored, and trusted. It does not evaporate over time by itself."

I am no stranger to grief, as you well know. I have to say, though, that time really does heal all. It's taken years, but it no longer has the same debilitating effect on me. Eventually, it does evaporate seemingly all by itself.

Life itself is loss. Without loss, there can be no new beginning. The year the Gather was in California, Steve and I rode home via Crater Lake. There was a forest fire raging but no one was attempting to put it out. There were signs that said it was a natural fire and not to report it. "Mom" was simply cleaning house. That's Nature's way. When we rode by the same place last year, it was bright green and healthy. Sometimes there has to be a 'clearing out' in order to make room for the new.

[grim23]

I agree that there has to be a 'clearing out' for there to be new in an endless cycle, as you well know. *grin*

I think that we have friends and people we use to process grief, that witness grief and make it a ritual, and that may be what takes away the dehabilitating effects.

[lady66674.livejournal.com]

Perhaps the best reason to forgive is to set down the load of anger and resentment that we choose to carry around. We tend to think that vengeance is going to satisfy our souls and right the wrongs that we feel were done to us.
When the healthiest and the best(and sometimes the hardest) thing to choose to do is simply forgive and let go of it. Good words and good conversation.
thank you for your insight.

[grim23]

I think you're correct. Thank YOU.

[sienna555.livejournal.com]

We shall discuss this point of view soon. I will tell you this: I differ with you on some of these points...only some.

[grim23]

OK. I look forward to that discussion. *nod*

[darklady-produc.livejournal.com]

Ummm...what have your friends done to require you extending them "forgiveness?"

Perhaps loving apologies instead of forgiveness are in order for some friends?

[grim23]

Sometimes people are not in a place to listen to a sincere apology and lash out instead despite my best efforts, and compassion and forgiveness instead of being or remaining angry or resentful seems to me to be a much more effective way of being. *smile*

[darklady-produc.livejournal.com]

Anything's possible. I don't know all of your friends and can only speak for myself. Best of luck with it.

[(Anonymous)]

I agree. Or even acknowledgement of harm done and boundaries crossed.
Seattle Sister

[playanipper.livejournal.com]

Thank you Grimm for you loving words and the compassion you send out to the universe. It is felt.

[grim23]

You are most welcome, and blessings to you and your journey.