Deep breath. Another. Another. Another...

I was ready to fight for the Clearinghouse. I was ready with CV's and cover letters and telecommunications, ready to do battle. The preparation was pointless.

There were 3,117 applicants, and 669 of us didn't match. My only criteria for a site that I would have fought for was an Oregon or Northern Washington site, and there were none. There was no one to fight. When I interviewed, I gambled on the best site, and I took my best shot, and I missed.

So, perhaps I'm not to have that life change this year. Perhaps finishing my dissertation and relocating and dealing with all of the other life changes is my life task for the year. I know this is true, but why does my gut feel like an arrow penetrated my armour? I know I'm down and hurting, and in shock. Please leave me alone for now. Please allow me the dignity of trying to get back up and keep going on my own.

Getting Up

I train Karatedo. Today, I became Self. Every day, I meditate about fear, and dying, and failure, so that when that happens, I WILL NOT STOP. I faltered, and forgot my training and my resolve. Once again, I learn the painful lesson.

The chestplate is cut off. The arrow is yanked out. I breathe. I refuse to let this Old Way of self-indulgence beat me. Lose Self. Become Will. Breathe again. Stand. Pick up my sword, raise it high.

I have things to do.