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Simplification
Apr. 5th, 2005 03:48 pmWell. An update...
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
