Simplification
Apr. 5th, 2005 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grim23Well. An update...
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
It's all about growth
Date: 2005-04-05 05:52 pm (UTC)You are doing amazing things right now to make yourself a better person, and being an example to others (clients/friends) in the process. Keep it up, and know that if you're following your heart you're doing the right thing.
I wish you the perfect experience at the SCA event this weekend, whatever that may be. =)
Re: It's all about growth
Date: 2005-04-05 06:57 pm (UTC)Love,
Grim
(976) HOT - GRIM
Date: 2005-04-05 09:51 pm (UTC)Re: (976) HOT - GRIM
Date: 2005-04-07 11:14 am (UTC)Love, Grim
Re: (976) HOT - GRIM
Date: 2005-04-07 02:04 pm (UTC)I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh.
Sighs and flutters her lashes very sweetly ~ some of us may search without reward for such a spirit as what you just described.
Though it may not be the ideal place for your talents in such as these traits, in your current situation these are not looked for qualities because of the place not necessarily the man. I would have loved some one who was pushy and forward with me, maybe I would have atleast felt the anger again, but nope my help was unrealistic sweetness and constant peace keeping treaties (which I still will not honor)These are not a good way for a real connection and growth through healing to began and last through the hard times, especially in therapy. I am proof that we fight what we dont really believe, especially if they are meant to help us. I just had to share my nonsense for I find your spirit only refreshing and inspiring in all you are. I love that your heart is all charm w/gentlemans manners and such deep respect! ~ Isn't that what passionate caring is? I am just baffled that this would be said of one who blushes at my bluntness! All our Love and glad it helps & even hurts now because we know that your with us as long as it still feels...
*incentives* are kinda "pushy" of me, can you blame me ~ what happens is all that can happen so just remember to breathe ~ it will quiet the screams. ok now back to my regular ramblings of warmth and hugging you some more *grin* pinkk bratt will still love ya no matter where you go or what you choose to be today tomorrow and everyday after that. :>) wowee & yep be safe we know you are thats why we remind, its been hectic on our freeways unnecessarily ~ watch out for them 2 have been hit last week both cars full of hi school kids unaware of the motorcyles and their right of way because couldnt see since were not looking for them!!! AAAuuughhgghh Be safe Behave and Be your destiny
No. Really think about it.
Date: 2005-04-05 10:02 pm (UTC)Owie. I wish this were a lesson for a different forum. On the job is a harsh place to learn this one. I am glad you at least still have the job whilst exploring possibilities.
Given the very things which are causing concern - using power/control dynamics too well, tendency to be uncompromising about safety and getting things right the first time - added to your drive to protect and your martial arts background... you may wish to consider security if a change of vocation seems feasible.
Call the Ericksons.
From the Thanksgivings section in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer (1979):
Accept, O Lord, our thanks and praise for all that you have
done for us. We thank you for the splendor of the whole
creation, for the beauty of this world, for the wonder of life,
and for the mystery of love.
We thank you for the blessing of family and friends, and for
the loving care which surrounds us on every side.
We thank you for setting us at tasks which demand our best
efforts, and for leading us to accomplishments which satisfy
and delight us.
We thank you also for those disappointments and failures
that lead us to acknowledge our dependence on you alone.
Above all, we thank you for your Son Jesus Christ; for the
truth of his Word and the example of his life; for his steadfast
obedience, by which he overcame temptation; for his dying,
through which he overcame death; and for his rising to life
again, in which we are raised to the life of your kingdom.
Grant us the gift of your Spirit, that we may know him and
make him known; and through him, at all times and in all
places, may give thanks to you in all things. Amen.
[bold emphasis mine]
Re: No. Really think about it.
Date: 2005-04-05 10:15 pm (UTC)Re: No. Really think about it.
Date: 2005-04-07 11:18 am (UTC)Security seems to be my hobby. *grin*
Already contacted the RWB, thanks for the heads up.
Grim
This will probably piss you off
Date: 2005-04-06 01:01 am (UTC)If you have read any of my posts lately, you'll know that I have had quite a few failures myself so I'm totally feelin' ya' right now. Sorry to hear that you have to sell your pad. You always have a futon here. So far, Morgan's room is still available since I haven't felt ready to kick him out of my own bed yet. I have some friends from church who also did a culling in order to simplfy (she is a Buddhist). They sold their big house and got rid of a ton of stuff and moved into and apartment. It ended up being a good thing when they decided to move to Hawaii. Lucky bastards.
Re: This will probably piss you off
Date: 2005-04-07 11:20 am (UTC)And thanks for the continuing offer of crash space. :>
Grim
Re: This will probably piss you off
Date: 2005-04-07 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-06 08:31 am (UTC)~TigressSky~
no subject
Date: 2005-04-07 12:59 pm (UTC)I think that I am not just a Warrior; I'm a Healer, and a Slave, and a King. As a result, I believe I am on multiple integrated paths. Vulnerable? Constantly? Overwhelmed? Rarely. :>
Grim
no subject
Date: 2005-04-08 08:24 am (UTC)~TigressSky~
*sending comforting hugs of encouragement & support*
Date: 2005-04-06 03:26 pm (UTC)When one’s life is full of change brought by forces outside one’s self… it is often because the Powers that Be have good reason for the change… Also, you are approaching mid-life, it is a time to redirect, take stock in what you have accomplished so far, and what goals are still out there on your cosmic “to-do-list”… in my personal beliefs, we all start out each life with choices we make before our births… lessons we need to learn to further our soul’s development, skills to acquire, things to accomplish, and other souls in our soul-group that we wish to interact with and help them with their growth in some way… and though we are born not consciously remembering these plans we make… we hold these goals in our subconscious, and they are known to the Higher Powers… and I kinda think that is part of the “mid-life” experience… when our subconscious becomes restless, uncomfortable because of a need to fulfill those plans… but many are not in-tune with Spirit enough to realize it. Your life is approaching critical cross-roads… you are going through the process of figuring out what is left on that “to-do” list, and what really matters to you, and what you most need and want out of this life, refocusing and redirecting to what is important to you so that you live the second half of your life to the fullest. Do not be discouraged, this is necessary and will bring you great rewards… though I know it is painful.
As for your work, and “intimidated” staff… those who are naturally weak, are often intimidated by those who are strong, and it is not necessarily because the strong cause that intimidation… also, having worked myself in the medical-support-staff field for several years… they tend to be catty, whiney, and often they will smile to the doctor’s face, and then complain and criticize when he is out of earshot. *grrr*… Some doctors are arrogant, insensitive control freaks… you do not strike me as that kind, and if you treat your staff with half the kindness, charm and consideration you give your many devoted friends, then they have no reason for complaint. If you do not… then perhaps a re-evaluation of your personal management style wouldn’t hurt. You are naturally compassionate, and generous of spirit, as well as extremely charming, and may find that your staff would respond to that… as my Mom says “you attract more bees with honey, than with vinegar”… Service given out of love, respect and admiration and rewarded with positive reinforcement is often of a far higher quality and given with a much better attitude, than what would be received by fear or intimidation… trust me I just lived that dynamic for three years… and resentment, discontent, and hurt can poison even the most service-oriented person.
As for the “precious jewels” to be earned… you have a very full plate, and your life is difficult now with many changes… you should be certain that these “jewels” are worth the additional stress… and that they are truly what you want… we may all like diamonds, but diamonds are not always what will truly make us happy and fulfill our needs in life… perhaps you should consider waiting before adding more hard work and difficulty to your already complicated life… and if these jewels are truly what you want and truly worth the effort of time and energy to earn them, perhaps they can wait until your life is more settled and you have the ability to devote the needed focused time and energy to earn those jewels… an interesting truth about the really valuable precious jewels, they are rare and of great cost… and so rarely come to the marketplace… and while there are many who would love to possess them, there are very very few who are actually capable of attaining them… so if you do decide they are worth your pursuit, they will most likely still be available when you are ready and able to do something about it.
Well that was a novel,
Be patient, and not discouraged… *smiles*
Oss,
~Aurora
Re: *sending comforting hugs of encouragement & support*
Date: 2005-04-07 01:08 pm (UTC)Oss, Arigato Gozaimashita,
Grim
Re: *sending comforting hugs of encouragement & support*
Date: 2005-04-07 04:33 pm (UTC)You are my friend, first and foremost. I will always want what is best for you, and always support and encourage you in that direction, no matter where it takes you. That is what real love is.
*bows*
Aurora
no subject
Date: 2005-04-08 10:07 pm (UTC)Wow, much going on in your life. I will be sending you positive energy in during this time of transition for you.
HI!
Date: 2005-04-11 04:31 pm (UTC)Samuel
Re: HI!
Date: 2005-04-11 06:58 pm (UTC)Re: HI!
Date: 2005-04-12 09:42 am (UTC)Grim