(no subject)

I find it very interesting that the Universe is having me work on my throat chakra. By having to reconnect to my extended network by email, and re-gather phone numbers because I found out my cell phone isn’t permanent press, I’ve had to consider many past relationships the last few days, and I have been slowed from newer relationships until I’ve had time to process those old relationships. I also note it’s another organization and reduction of yet another aspect of my life.

I realized yesterday that I have spent a lot of energy this year working on damage control with past relationships, including Tam; that is, making sure that what I did or didn’t do (communication, consistency, and awareness) wouldn’t happen to them again, particularly with specific relationships where the psychodynamics weren’t equal. There are people on my flist that I have hurt badly in the past, and it still effects them, as I found out when I went to Oregon. I have not spent nearly as much time working on my own damage from those relationships, which, Sienna, is the real reason I still have certain blocks I wasn’t even aware I had until you pointed them out.

I have now recently generated several similar existing and pending relationships, where I will need to risk similar experiences of people requiring my time and energy. I will again do my best to help them work through fear and anger and attachment by communicating and following through and being very clear with my expectations, without emotionally damaging them. I will also have to work harder on my own stuff, and heal as quickly as I can or at least not damage myself more. 

To Know is to Act. It’s comforting to feel self-doubt, that fear – because that tells me the direction I need to go. The Universe is sending me instructions, a new way to look at things, so that I may learn a lesson, and I’m grateful. The Universe has limitless energy for me to use, and infinite patience, and will keep sending this lesson over and over until I learn it. I’m not one to stand there and watch my opportunity to learn go by. Skill of doing, as JIC will tell you, comes of doing.

Let’s see if I can get it, this time.

Self-Acceptance is the victim of our fear, as we learn to loathe our
authentic self in order to protect ourselves from that which we fear. Yet
the price of that protection is self-destruction. The real you succumbs
to the fear and becomes the fearful you, the hiding you, the pretend in
order to be safe you, which of course is no safety for you at all.  - Jack Rinella