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Processing
Jun. 2nd, 2008 11:23 pmSince I am no longer in a more-than-friendship relationship with Tam, and I have the luxury of getting to work on just myself, this is a good time to reflect on and process what I’ve learned. A recent alternative relationships class I attended talked about the languages of love (Gary Chapman’s work). A quick synopsis from his website: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html . I’m bilingual in that I read love and feel love from Acts of Service and Quality Time, where chores and time from a place of love rather than obligation is love, and focused attention and activities with my partner and I are love, and both mean much more to me that Gifts or Physical Touch or Words of Affirmation. I did not love her they way she needed to be loved – I loved her the way I wanted to be loved.
How I set about structuring a relationship where I removed all expectations to avoid disappointment in my partner, and reducing the pressure on her and removing the chance of my partner ‘failing‘ in their half of the relationship, wasn’t effective, and I was secretly resentful of having to do that. Relationships need structure, with very clear expectations – and I did not ever get to the point of clarity with her, because we didn’t speak the same language about what love to each other was. Taking her at face value only confused the relationship further, because I did not have enough discussion with her early on about what each other’s values were, and as we had to find them out in a series of progressive setbacks in the relationship – and the whole relationship was a continuous setback. There was not a clear vision for our relationship – and few goals.
Our communication was rarely effective; I did not often take into account that communication has three sides – mine, hers, and the “what was thought about but not spoken/others told you later” side. There was not enough mutual integrity and consistency. I did not take into account often enough her past history of relationships. I often was walking on eggshells because I never knew which side was going to affect the relationship, and in what way. I was not very effective at being able to “pull my ass in”, and responded poorly to when she was working to correct my thinking, feeling or behavior in the moment. Maybe I got better at being vulnerable and less defensive the last few months near the end, but it wasn’t enough.
So, then, when it’s time for another partner...who must I become? Aware. I need to be able to understand my partner’s language(s) of love, and how they hear love, objectively and in the moment, and be open to it. I need to be there, arms wide open, and vulnerable, constantly adjusting to change, but not just giving in. I need to believe in myself, and in my partner, and be open to love – however my partner expresses it, and be able to understand it. Calmness, consistency, integrity, and structure are key – but be open to change and exceptions. Leave residual hurt, anger/fear projections, and past history out of discussions of vision and goals. I need to be transparent to my partner, and them to me. No eggshells for either of us.
There are some on this list who don’t know me well, and they’ll think this is a pity-fest. That’s their choice to believe that. My past relationship is not all my fault, but I played a large part in this. This is about learning from your mistakes, and working to not do them again. This is about asking the universe for what you need, and working on what you need to learn to become to attract your ideal partner. This is about not staying stagnant and depressed, pining endlessly. That’s fear. I choose love.
How I set about structuring a relationship where I removed all expectations to avoid disappointment in my partner, and reducing the pressure on her and removing the chance of my partner ‘failing‘ in their half of the relationship, wasn’t effective, and I was secretly resentful of having to do that. Relationships need structure, with very clear expectations – and I did not ever get to the point of clarity with her, because we didn’t speak the same language about what love to each other was. Taking her at face value only confused the relationship further, because I did not have enough discussion with her early on about what each other’s values were, and as we had to find them out in a series of progressive setbacks in the relationship – and the whole relationship was a continuous setback. There was not a clear vision for our relationship – and few goals.
Our communication was rarely effective; I did not often take into account that communication has three sides – mine, hers, and the “what was thought about but not spoken/others told you later” side. There was not enough mutual integrity and consistency. I did not take into account often enough her past history of relationships. I often was walking on eggshells because I never knew which side was going to affect the relationship, and in what way. I was not very effective at being able to “pull my ass in”, and responded poorly to when she was working to correct my thinking, feeling or behavior in the moment. Maybe I got better at being vulnerable and less defensive the last few months near the end, but it wasn’t enough.
So, then, when it’s time for another partner...who must I become? Aware. I need to be able to understand my partner’s language(s) of love, and how they hear love, objectively and in the moment, and be open to it. I need to be there, arms wide open, and vulnerable, constantly adjusting to change, but not just giving in. I need to believe in myself, and in my partner, and be open to love – however my partner expresses it, and be able to understand it. Calmness, consistency, integrity, and structure are key – but be open to change and exceptions. Leave residual hurt, anger/fear projections, and past history out of discussions of vision and goals. I need to be transparent to my partner, and them to me. No eggshells for either of us.
There are some on this list who don’t know me well, and they’ll think this is a pity-fest. That’s their choice to believe that. My past relationship is not all my fault, but I played a large part in this. This is about learning from your mistakes, and working to not do them again. This is about asking the universe for what you need, and working on what you need to learn to become to attract your ideal partner. This is about not staying stagnant and depressed, pining endlessly. That’s fear. I choose love.
