Answers to the Question.
Oct. 9th, 2006 01:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grim23I cannot sleep, which is very unusual for me. My mind is working very hard, processing something I cannot articulate. It, in itself, is effecting my communication, especially with Tam.
Ok, be a psychologist, then. Use your skills. Let's get a consult.
What I have learned:
1. I seem to be unable to reach myself. I may be, according to Jharma, trying to convince yourself to see something, to face something, to prove something, and/or to let go of something. She feels I am either unable or unwilling to set boundaries for yourself. She feels that what others see as being unable to hear the word “no” is really my attempt to "prove something to yourself or to someone you feel has hurt you, something for which you have never been able to simply forgive yourself for and let go". She believes that I was not deliberately trying to manipulate anyone, but that which I was helping others bring out in themselves were the very things I sought to bring out in myself. She believes that I "seek to be loved, and the love you seek lies within you, just waiting to be embraced, just waiting to be allowed to BE."
2. Sienna believes that I may have an air of privilege, and that I take setbacks and defeat harder than necessary, which may be gender-based, or not. The BF and JIC also believe that I have that 'invisible knapsack'/"celebrity" issue. I am less convinced that this is completely correct. Victor, another white male, believes that this may be leadership, and brings up the good point that this is all perception. This may also be, as JIC said, that I do have a tendency to state plans rather than make requests, assuming everyone has the same boundary strength as I do, which is simply a wrong assumption I probably do make automatically, but one which may explain the privilege/manipulation issue.
3. SPL says that I don't hear what I don't want to hear, which does bother me perhaps the most. This may tie in with #2.
4. Siduriana believes that I have a lack of awareness of the boundary of "other." She has noticed that I don't "see" her, only my projection of her. She sees fear of intimacy as the reason I "remain always and irrevocably distant". She suggests sitting with my emotional discomfort for a while, and just accept it as a part of being. This may lead back to trying to reach myself, although this is Siduriana's perception---who has never really had a strong connection with me because I have never really opened up to her because of my own fear.
5. TigressSky believes that male/female energy motivates my interactions and is the source of the boundary issue, of my structure imposing on other people less structured energies and 'forcing' others to confront challenges, that perhaps I was also facing (from Jharma).
OK. What I'd like is more comments, if you feel safe and willing to do so. Ideas? Integration of this? Thoughts? I welcome them. Please help me see this.
Ok, be a psychologist, then. Use your skills. Let's get a consult.
What I have learned:
1. I seem to be unable to reach myself. I may be, according to Jharma, trying to convince yourself to see something, to face something, to prove something, and/or to let go of something. She feels I am either unable or unwilling to set boundaries for yourself. She feels that what others see as being unable to hear the word “no” is really my attempt to "prove something to yourself or to someone you feel has hurt you, something for which you have never been able to simply forgive yourself for and let go". She believes that I was not deliberately trying to manipulate anyone, but that which I was helping others bring out in themselves were the very things I sought to bring out in myself. She believes that I "seek to be loved, and the love you seek lies within you, just waiting to be embraced, just waiting to be allowed to BE."
2. Sienna believes that I may have an air of privilege, and that I take setbacks and defeat harder than necessary, which may be gender-based, or not. The BF and JIC also believe that I have that 'invisible knapsack'/"celebrity" issue. I am less convinced that this is completely correct. Victor, another white male, believes that this may be leadership, and brings up the good point that this is all perception. This may also be, as JIC said, that I do have a tendency to state plans rather than make requests, assuming everyone has the same boundary strength as I do, which is simply a wrong assumption I probably do make automatically, but one which may explain the privilege/manipulation issue.
3. SPL says that I don't hear what I don't want to hear, which does bother me perhaps the most. This may tie in with #2.
4. Siduriana believes that I have a lack of awareness of the boundary of "other." She has noticed that I don't "see" her, only my projection of her. She sees fear of intimacy as the reason I "remain always and irrevocably distant". She suggests sitting with my emotional discomfort for a while, and just accept it as a part of being. This may lead back to trying to reach myself, although this is Siduriana's perception---who has never really had a strong connection with me because I have never really opened up to her because of my own fear.
5. TigressSky believes that male/female energy motivates my interactions and is the source of the boundary issue, of my structure imposing on other people less structured energies and 'forcing' others to confront challenges, that perhaps I was also facing (from Jharma).
OK. What I'd like is more comments, if you feel safe and willing to do so. Ideas? Integration of this? Thoughts? I welcome them. Please help me see this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 06:22 am (UTC)1. Those of us who have had to struggle to survive often assume others are at the same level of motivation to do those things that keep us alive. It is still such a shock to me when people who are in pain (emotional or physical) won't do whatever is necessary to move out of that. My natural assumption therefore in talking with people is that "Of course so-so will do X! How could they not??" Might that be the same wave length of thinking when stating plans instead of asking about plans?
2. Faerie calls me a peach person. All soft and juicy on the outside but there is a solid pit inside that few ever penetrate. Could it be that as you grow closer in your relationships that people are getting closer to that pit which then sets off fear and perhaps the defensivness that people may be perceiving?
3. As a person who is very driven and very busy with lots of different activities and people, it's hard to stop myself and allow myself to be in the NOW of the moment with people. I am often times too busy thinking of the next class, the next chore, who needs to be talked to about chores, etc. etc. Not being in the NOW has at times been perceived as being aloof or distant.
Hope sleep comes soon.
Namaste
par for the course
Date: 2006-10-09 01:36 pm (UTC)1. To keep you from opening up 100% to people who you seem to want to open up to.
2. To radiate a perception of you that you seem not to be comfortable with.
3. To keep others at a distance and mistrustful of you.
4. To keep you in as much control of the situation as humanly possible.
This is exactly the type of stuff your conscious mind doesn't want to deal with, and will avoid doing so to the point of obsession. My suggestion is to go back to your Heart Cave and talk to the fellow in there. Ask point blank what you need to know ("What is in my behavior that I must change to correct these outcomes?"), or you won't get an answer you can use.
...that is if you havn't tried that already...
Thoughtful-ness insomnia
Date: 2006-10-09 02:26 pm (UTC)This is what I envisioned as a positive aspect of your moving to NC for a year - you're far enough away from your community that you can spend a good deal of introspective time, yet near enough that they're (we're) easily reachable for support and feedback. And, people are being honest with you, even at a deeper level than the last time you asked them these kinds of questions.
You're on the right path, my friend.
Today's insight tidbit, ties in a bit with Sienna's last comment: remember the difference between counseling and coaching? Counseling seeks to diagnose some type of disorder. Coaching works with who you are now, and guides you to where you say you want to be. Let go of your inner counselor. Don't diagnose yourself. You are whole and complete just as you are. Consider your circle of friends as coaches, lovingly guiding you the direction of where you say you want to be.
Big hugs to you and lots of love!
- BF =)
no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 03:37 pm (UTC)do you rub me the wrong way sometimes? yes. does that have more to do with me than it does with you? yes.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-09 05:02 pm (UTC)Namaste,
Jharma
no subject
Date: 2006-10-10 04:38 am (UTC)My thoughts are with you.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-10 08:37 pm (UTC)The reading I received didn’t surprise me much. I want to reveal this in a bit of a different way, saving the first card for later. The second card spoke of trusting your own inner guidance. (Sexy Pink Lips is right, sometimes just relaxing and trusting in the God and Goddess, the answers will come to you)
The third card tells me that this is exactly what is happening. You’ve had many truths come up recently, so many so that you may be confused as to which way to turn from here. Your very path may be changing before you, heading in a direction that seems completely contrary to what you may want it to go. Trust in that path, it will not lead you astray. Remember the Universe has the benefit of being able to see the all, the Divine does not have our limitations. You asked for that guidance, so trust in the guidance which is right before your eyes.
And the First card is the one I want to elaborate on, if I may. It speaks of courage and fear. Namely, True Fear and False Fear. Anytime a serious truth comes up to be faced, such as this one, we begin to feel self doubt. More often than not, the question that needs to be asked is “What am I REALLY afraid of?” Sometimes, the True Fears are hidden behind the False Fears. It’s usually pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. It is impossible to face false fears, they elude us, they are like shapeshifters, constantly changing shape. And even when we do seem to face those false fears, the “problem” which catalyzed us seeking out those fears in the first place never seems to go away. Usually when this card is drawn, I draw another card asking what else is present…
The answer wasn’t quite what I expected, but it is a very, very good “how to” which I suspect is exactly what you’re looking for. It also emphasizes the energy in the second card. It says to simply put this all aside and go do something you like to do well, particularly with regards to the fine arts. Writing, poetry, singing, etc. (most likely writing). It’s time to do something you enjoy, truly enjoy, something you didn’t think you had the time, energy or inclination for. Put this aside and go do this thing, enjoy it, immerse yourself in it for a while and the answers you seek, the truths you seek, the True Fears will reveal themselves all on their own, without you having to put on your armor and go seeking them. Not only that, but the best way to face them will also reveal themselves. I could tell you what I see in you. And the rest of your loved ones could do the same, but part of the whole point of growth is that YOU see, not us.
One thing to remember: Not all fears are enemies to be fought. Fears must be honored, and each one is honored in a different way. Sometimes the best way to “face” a fear is to just let go of it. Sometimes the need to fight or destroy a fear is, in itself, a reaction of fear.
Namaste,
Jharma