Simplification

[grim23]

Well. An update...

I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.

I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.

And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.

For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.

Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.

Comments

(976) HOT - GRIM

[ms-pinkk.livejournal.com]

There is always another way to get to every place, even if it doesn't seem you'll make it, or that you even want to. As we all seem to be in some strange new place, from where we expected to be, that just reinforces my belief in it all happens for a reason ~ and reminds us to enjoy the view because its what really matters. Look on all of it as an opportunity to see yourself in each place and form and to grow stronger than you are, as you have taught us. Though it hurts, some of us will only allow change to come this way ~ its a "gift" to ourselves ~ the sacrifices you make of yourself are an amazing testament to your wonderful spirit, and through it all that remains true. If it gets to be to much you can always choose to "gift" your amazing self to the world in a totally new way.... I wouldn't mind plugging in another line and imagine how much growth you'd find in letting out your primal my way! Imagine the release possible with 976-HOT GRIM and know how broke some of us would be then! All love and *grins* we wrap you in the energy & strength ~ big hugs always Pinkk & Lumpy

Re: (976) HOT - GRIM

[grim23]

I always get a smile when I read what you write. Thank you.

Love, Grim

Re: (976) HOT - GRIM

[ms-pinkk.livejournal.com]

finally ~ somebody understands why I bother to write! If I can add just a little bit without the comedic pressure it struck me very much when rereading this part today:
I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh.

Sighs and flutters her lashes very sweetly ~ some of us may search without reward for such a spirit as what you just described.

Though it may not be the ideal place for your talents in such as these traits, in your current situation these are not looked for qualities because of the place not necessarily the man. I would have loved some one who was pushy and forward with me, maybe I would have atleast felt the anger again, but nope my help was unrealistic sweetness and constant peace keeping treaties (which I still will not honor)These are not a good way for a real connection and growth through healing to began and last through the hard times, especially in therapy. I am proof that we fight what we dont really believe, especially if they are meant to help us. I just had to share my nonsense for I find your spirit only refreshing and inspiring in all you are. I love that your heart is all charm w/gentlemans manners and such deep respect! ~ Isn't that what passionate caring is? I am just baffled that this would be said of one who blushes at my bluntness! All our Love and glad it helps & even hurts now because we know that your with us as long as it still feels...
*incentives* are kinda "pushy" of me, can you blame me ~ what happens is all that can happen so just remember to breathe ~ it will quiet the screams. ok now back to my regular ramblings of warmth and hugging you some more *grin* pinkk bratt will still love ya no matter where you go or what you choose to be today tomorrow and everyday after that. :>) wowee & yep be safe we know you are thats why we remind, its been hectic on our freeways unnecessarily ~ watch out for them 2 have been hit last week both cars full of hi school kids unaware of the motorcyles and their right of way because couldnt see since were not looking for them!!! AAAuuughhgghh Be safe Behave and Be your destiny