Simplification
Apr. 5th, 2005 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grim23Well. An update...
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
No. Really think about it.
Date: 2005-04-05 10:02 pm (UTC)Owie. I wish this were a lesson for a different forum. On the job is a harsh place to learn this one. I am glad you at least still have the job whilst exploring possibilities.
Given the very things which are causing concern - using power/control dynamics too well, tendency to be uncompromising about safety and getting things right the first time - added to your drive to protect and your martial arts background... you may wish to consider security if a change of vocation seems feasible.
Call the Ericksons.
From the Thanksgivings section in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer (1979):
Accept, O Lord, our thanks and praise for all that you have
done for us. We thank you for the splendor of the whole
creation, for the beauty of this world, for the wonder of life,
and for the mystery of love.
We thank you for the blessing of family and friends, and for
the loving care which surrounds us on every side.
We thank you for setting us at tasks which demand our best
efforts, and for leading us to accomplishments which satisfy
and delight us.
We thank you also for those disappointments and failures
that lead us to acknowledge our dependence on you alone.
Above all, we thank you for your Son Jesus Christ; for the
truth of his Word and the example of his life; for his steadfast
obedience, by which he overcame temptation; for his dying,
through which he overcame death; and for his rising to life
again, in which we are raised to the life of your kingdom.
Grant us the gift of your Spirit, that we may know him and
make him known; and through him, at all times and in all
places, may give thanks to you in all things. Amen.
[bold emphasis mine]
Re: No. Really think about it.
Date: 2005-04-05 10:15 pm (UTC)Re: No. Really think about it.
Date: 2005-04-07 11:18 am (UTC)Security seems to be my hobby. *grin*
Already contacted the RWB, thanks for the heads up.
Grim