Simplification
Apr. 5th, 2005 03:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grim23Well. An update...
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
I passed my performance review, that I didn't know I was having. I am allowed to keep my job. I am "too forward" and "pushy", and I intimidate my staff and Board, apparently. I apparently use power/control dynamics too well, and I tend to be uncompromising about patient safety and confidentiality, and getting things right the first time. Sigh. The whole office is getting to come up with examples where I intimidate them. Isn't that nice. Looking at other job options, as well. No internship possibilities has opened my life to other vocational possibilities. My clients are falling apart, and I have decided to not take on any more clients until I decide what I'm doing vocationally. I'll heal what I can, and refer the rest if I decide to leave.
I missed the last promotion in karatedo, because I had gotten the Martian Death Flu, which still seems to be hanging on, and and missed eight days of class. This has not stopped me from hitting the dojo 4-5 days a week, though, and teaching occasionally when Sensei(s) are all gone on vacation. I attended the promotion, and I still sparred a student so he could promote. Next time, I will probably test for 7th dan (purple belt) so I can learn and practice more advanced technique. My basics are OK, but I work to block and strike harder but more relaxed---no unneccesary energy. I breathe.
And I am selling my Sanctum Sanctorum, my House, to The Seneschal, culling most of my stuff and boxing up the rest to move, quickly if I have to. She needs it more than I do right now. Painfully, I may have to leave Ten Mae with the House and The Seneschal. Much of my life has become a painful decision, actually. I may be giving up almost everything that binds me, and making a very calculated decision about what remains.
For the last several weeks, my honor and integrity and my ability to protect and teach and help others in a crisis has been tested, from many facets of my life. I will be again tested this weekend, both on the tourney field at an SCA event, and after. I am not confident I can win, or even do well. However, there is often learning in failure, and the variety of my recent failures has certainly stripped me of Self. There are precious jewels to earn, and I may fail, but I'm certainly not giving up, and my accumulated Will grows stronger.
Now? Kata. Tomorrow, dissertation.
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*sending comforting hugs of encouragement & support*
Date: 2005-04-06 03:26 pm (UTC)When one’s life is full of change brought by forces outside one’s self… it is often because the Powers that Be have good reason for the change… Also, you are approaching mid-life, it is a time to redirect, take stock in what you have accomplished so far, and what goals are still out there on your cosmic “to-do-list”… in my personal beliefs, we all start out each life with choices we make before our births… lessons we need to learn to further our soul’s development, skills to acquire, things to accomplish, and other souls in our soul-group that we wish to interact with and help them with their growth in some way… and though we are born not consciously remembering these plans we make… we hold these goals in our subconscious, and they are known to the Higher Powers… and I kinda think that is part of the “mid-life” experience… when our subconscious becomes restless, uncomfortable because of a need to fulfill those plans… but many are not in-tune with Spirit enough to realize it. Your life is approaching critical cross-roads… you are going through the process of figuring out what is left on that “to-do” list, and what really matters to you, and what you most need and want out of this life, refocusing and redirecting to what is important to you so that you live the second half of your life to the fullest. Do not be discouraged, this is necessary and will bring you great rewards… though I know it is painful.
As for your work, and “intimidated” staff… those who are naturally weak, are often intimidated by those who are strong, and it is not necessarily because the strong cause that intimidation… also, having worked myself in the medical-support-staff field for several years… they tend to be catty, whiney, and often they will smile to the doctor’s face, and then complain and criticize when he is out of earshot. *grrr*… Some doctors are arrogant, insensitive control freaks… you do not strike me as that kind, and if you treat your staff with half the kindness, charm and consideration you give your many devoted friends, then they have no reason for complaint. If you do not… then perhaps a re-evaluation of your personal management style wouldn’t hurt. You are naturally compassionate, and generous of spirit, as well as extremely charming, and may find that your staff would respond to that… as my Mom says “you attract more bees with honey, than with vinegar”… Service given out of love, respect and admiration and rewarded with positive reinforcement is often of a far higher quality and given with a much better attitude, than what would be received by fear or intimidation… trust me I just lived that dynamic for three years… and resentment, discontent, and hurt can poison even the most service-oriented person.
As for the “precious jewels” to be earned… you have a very full plate, and your life is difficult now with many changes… you should be certain that these “jewels” are worth the additional stress… and that they are truly what you want… we may all like diamonds, but diamonds are not always what will truly make us happy and fulfill our needs in life… perhaps you should consider waiting before adding more hard work and difficulty to your already complicated life… and if these jewels are truly what you want and truly worth the effort of time and energy to earn them, perhaps they can wait until your life is more settled and you have the ability to devote the needed focused time and energy to earn those jewels… an interesting truth about the really valuable precious jewels, they are rare and of great cost… and so rarely come to the marketplace… and while there are many who would love to possess them, there are very very few who are actually capable of attaining them… so if you do decide they are worth your pursuit, they will most likely still be available when you are ready and able to do something about it.
Well that was a novel,
Be patient, and not discouraged… *smiles*
Oss,
~Aurora
Re: *sending comforting hugs of encouragement & support*
Date: 2005-04-07 01:08 pm (UTC)Oss, Arigato Gozaimashita,
Grim
Re: *sending comforting hugs of encouragement & support*
Date: 2005-04-07 04:33 pm (UTC)You are my friend, first and foremost. I will always want what is best for you, and always support and encourage you in that direction, no matter where it takes you. That is what real love is.
*bows*
Aurora