A question.

[grim23]

So, while drinking Turkish coffee with my BF while in Raleigh before we went to a biker rally, she said that I am often unaware that I sometimes make requests of people in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no or ask for what they need, and set their own boundaries with me. She said this may come across as manipulation or taking advantage of people. At the same time, she also said that once I am aware of a boundary, I am very good at honoring it.

She also said my greatest quality was challenging others to grow and develop.


I welcome all comments, anonymous or not, regarding her insights into me. Anything. I do not question her perception of me. What I'm looking for is other feedback about how I do these things. I am in NC for a year, and I have a chance to grow while I am away from who I was when I was in OR. I'm working on improving my self, especially my communication with others.

Thank you.

Comments

you asked for it

[sienna555.livejournal.com]

In my experience with you, it has not been often that we ask each other for anything more than time. I have never felt 'manipulated' by you, but also I'm not the type to mince words when I have requests to make or boundaries to draw, so maybe I'm not the best example. There have been times when our communications has been intense enough to get the attention of my other connections, which some could say would be a manipulation of my energy, but it's always under my own Will.

HOWEVER...What I have noticed in our communications is an air of privelege about you, a feeling that you expect all of your requests to be granted, as if you don't hear the word "no" very often. A sort of "invisible knapsack" of rights that you could only understand if you were alive in another person's body. Like someone smaller, someone of a minority race or gender, or someone deaf, blind, handicapped or weak.

I have observed, also, that you take setbacks and defeats harder than it seems necessary, and you take unusual amounts of energy to put yourself back to "right". That could be an indicator of how badly you berate yourself for failure, or it could be an indicator of how high up you gotta go to feel "right" again.

What does this have to do with what the BF said? If you are in a pattern of privelege, and you are not used to hearing 'no', and you have physical stature, good health, & are of the "ruling" class (face it, whiteboy, you're 'normal' by anyone's standards), then it hurts a lot worse when you don't get your way. Which is why you might tend to try to manipulate requests in such a way as to not hear "no".

The higher you are when you fall, the harder you hit when you land. so to stop yourself from falling in the first place, you're unconscious communication methods go into automatic mode.

My challenge to you: Ask a black friend, or a handicapped friend this same question, whether you seem to communicate in such a way as to take advantage or manipulate the situation. If they won't confirm that pattern, then you might wanna focus on the gendered attributes of your communications.

From what I can tell, the BF and I are both short white chicks. We have the same vantage point, so to speak, so we'll confirm the same patterns.

Re: you asked for it

[voluptasia.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Sienna - you've clarified something I struggled to explain to him - I (for lack of a better word) called it something of a 'celebrity quality' - white male privilege is much clearer in describing what I was trying to say. Your insight about failure - how he takes it, how he recovers from it, is also right on.

One short white chick to another -

The BF =)

Re: you asked for it

[grim23]

Hmmm. I do have an expectation of my requests being granted, and I do sometimes take setbacks/defeat hard, which probably does impact my automatic communications. I'm working to figure out why I am not more detached to outcomes.

Speaking to both ethnic and disabled friends, I don't think it's that. Gender reaction is probably more accurate. Maybe unresolved stuff with female relationships?

Thank you, very much, for the lessons.

Re: you asked for it

[grim23]

Thank you for opening up this conversation. I can almost always count on you to challenge me and encourage me to learn about myself.

That's why you're the BF. I love you. :>