A question.

[grim23]

So, while drinking Turkish coffee with my BF while in Raleigh before we went to a biker rally, she said that I am often unaware that I sometimes make requests of people in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no or ask for what they need, and set their own boundaries with me. She said this may come across as manipulation or taking advantage of people. At the same time, she also said that once I am aware of a boundary, I am very good at honoring it.

She also said my greatest quality was challenging others to grow and develop.


I welcome all comments, anonymous or not, regarding her insights into me. Anything. I do not question her perception of me. What I'm looking for is other feedback about how I do these things. I am in NC for a year, and I have a chance to grow while I am away from who I was when I was in OR. I'm working on improving my self, especially my communication with others.

Thank you.

Comments

Another short white chick

[jic]

What I'll echo is this: that once you are aware of a boundary, you are good at honoring it.

It's difficult for me to speak to the former, since you were most prominent in my life at a time when setting boundaries was a challenge for me anyway. Nevertheless, I have always had the impression that (regardless of relative rating) your convenience was the most determining factor in whether our paths would intersect.

I'm also a person who used to state plans rather than make requests, and I used to leave off the parts that say, "What I'd like is [my plan], which is how it would be if the world were populated by my minions." As a purely mechanical technique, it might be worth taking "What I'd like is this: [state ideal]. Does that work for you?" out for a spin. Perhaps soften it even more. Some people don't hear the "what I'd like is" when it is unspoken and assume one is giving orders rather than suggesting plans, which may put them (us) in the position of feeling unnecessarily confrontational when presenting conflicting preferences.

For more on various invisible knapsacks, check out these:
The essay that started it all: Peggy McIntosh on White Privilege
Elizabeth Hanson's list of Heterosexual Privileges
darkdaughta on the privilege of Sexual Conservatives (This one you might see yourself on the other side of. The light text is kind of hard to read against the not-work-safe background, but pressing Ctrl-A on the keyboard will fix both issues.)
B. Deutsch on Male Privilege (also here)
a list of privilege checklists compiled by Ampersand, including some of the above, and discussion.

Re: Another short white chick

[grim23]

Hmmm. Interesting reading. I'd read the original white privilege paper. I have saved much of it to my laptop, a privelege into itself. I think I have become a bit more sexually conservative, myself, at least with interactions with others, especially female others.

I think you have good advice about ways to make requests rather than state plans...that was part of my automatic way of communicating, especially when I was dealing with a setback. Thank you very much for that.