A question.

[grim23]

So, while drinking Turkish coffee with my BF while in Raleigh before we went to a biker rally, she said that I am often unaware that I sometimes make requests of people in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no or ask for what they need, and set their own boundaries with me. She said this may come across as manipulation or taking advantage of people. At the same time, she also said that once I am aware of a boundary, I am very good at honoring it.

She also said my greatest quality was challenging others to grow and develop.


I welcome all comments, anonymous or not, regarding her insights into me. Anything. I do not question her perception of me. What I'm looking for is other feedback about how I do these things. I am in NC for a year, and I have a chance to grow while I am away from who I was when I was in OR. I'm working on improving my self, especially my communication with others.

Thank you.

Comments

A question.

[siduriana.livejournal.com]

My personal observation is that there seems to be a lack of awareness of the boundry of "other." In my experience of you as a friend I have noticed that often you do not "see" me. You see only your projection of me. You stand one step removed from being fully present with me and honoring/validating my unique individuality. I see the fear of intimacy within that. I do not believe this is what you want or that you wish to trample over other peoples boundaries, but by being one step removed from being absolutely in the moment-open-and-vulnerable with the "other" you remain always and irrevocably distant. I have wondered why you hide behind your ego and "rolls" so often when I also see the incredibly compassionate and lonely man behind the wall.

I have a suggestion for you. It is one given to me and it has helped me open up: try sitting with emotional discomfort for a while, become familiar with it, listen to what it is teaching you. Don't try to resolve it, solve it. Just accept it as a part of being. It is probably the most ackward thing I will ever do, but it helps me become more present.

Good luck!
T

Re: A question.

[grim23]

Hmmm. This may be true. Although I may be wrong, I don't feel as if I have ever had much of a deeper connection with you. I, upon reflection, have been afraid to connect with you, and my conversations with you have usually been fairly superficial and/or short, and occasionally where you set a boundary with me.

Especially so after our conversation where I asked if I could help you dress after your surgery because I knew you were sore and, you asked me to stop making innuendoes, and I said that I was merely trying to help, and you said that you presumed I was making a innuendo because I always did. That shut down much attempt at real communication because then it was easier to just stay in my role as 'visiting the roommate' and automatically communicating with you, one step removed.

I apologize; I'll try to do better. Thank you for the suggestion. I'm working on that very concept.

Thank you.