A question.

[grim23]

So, while drinking Turkish coffee with my BF while in Raleigh before we went to a biker rally, she said that I am often unaware that I sometimes make requests of people in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no or ask for what they need, and set their own boundaries with me. She said this may come across as manipulation or taking advantage of people. At the same time, she also said that once I am aware of a boundary, I am very good at honoring it.

She also said my greatest quality was challenging others to grow and develop.


I welcome all comments, anonymous or not, regarding her insights into me. Anything. I do not question her perception of me. What I'm looking for is other feedback about how I do these things. I am in NC for a year, and I have a chance to grow while I am away from who I was when I was in OR. I'm working on improving my self, especially my communication with others.

Thank you.

Comments

[tigresssky.livejournal.com]

Being a tall white chick mayhaps I have had different experiences with you. lol

What I notice in my interaction with you is that you focus on the logical progression of things, the naturally associated masculine energy that is awake and focuses on the actions and more importantly the outcomes. This leaves you to stifle the energy that is simply intuitive and flowing, the naturally associated feminine energy, that which is unstructured and unpredictable. (I HATE seperating the energies into Male Female because it is such a restrictive labeling stereotype that I do NOT believe in but it will have to do.)

In this seperation of energies those who come to you with that unstructured energy, not focused on the outcome as much as much as they are focused on the feelings tend to find themselves feeling inadequate. They find themselves feeling like they need to do what you say to create the expected outcome mainly because they had no expectations themselves. This in turn may lead them to step over boundaries they normally wouldn't to reach the goal simply because they didn't realize there was a goal until interacting with you.

For example, one might just want to sit and have coffee with you with no mind as to what the topic should be, just to enjoy sitting with you and being with you. You on the other hand come with a plan, something to chat about, something you know they need to discuss and suddenly and subtly there is a direction and a goal and that person sitting across from you is talking about some subject they would have rather left alone.

This in itself is a double-edged sword, because as the BF points out you challenge others to develop and grow. Sometimes interacting with you leads one to realize boundaries they never knew they had and in turn leads them on a path to self-discovery.

For me, interactions have never felt munipulating, they have however at times felt challenging and sometimes when all I really wanted was to just be hugged and held I was made to look closer at what was bothering me and feel my fears well up. Ive never felt munipulated into going to these places with you though because I know you are safe and I would never allow myself to go there unless I wanted. I could however see those with less will power not having the ability to set the boundaries they need and ending up somewhere with you that they never wanted to go.

I have felt challenged with you and at times felt like I did not get the one thing I really needed from you, but I always feel like I do get many things from you. Most of the time I leave you feeling ten times more confident in my ability to go out and kick the worlds ass then I had when I arrived. *g*

~TigressKickingTheWorldsAssOneDumbBoyAtATimeSky~

[grim23]

I have been, as you point out, too attached to outcome, especially with expending my energy to help people grow---and, as you say, may push boundary issues with others, especially those with less will, especially if they are unaware that there may be an outcome from our conversation.

Often, my conversation with others leads to an outcome---either a lesson for me or reinforcing something in my mind I have already learned that may be helpful for them, in my opinion. However, that may be something they didn't want or need or expect, thus, that makes it difficult for them to say no or ask for what they need, and set their own boundaries with me. I can see how this could come across as manipulation or taking advantage of people.

Thank you for the way you explained this to me, and for the feedback. I'm sorry I was not able to give you what you really needed at the time, and I'm glad I was able to help support you in other ways.