A question.

[grim23]

So, while drinking Turkish coffee with my BF while in Raleigh before we went to a biker rally, she said that I am often unaware that I sometimes make requests of people in a way that makes it difficult for them to say no or ask for what they need, and set their own boundaries with me. She said this may come across as manipulation or taking advantage of people. At the same time, she also said that once I am aware of a boundary, I am very good at honoring it.

She also said my greatest quality was challenging others to grow and develop.


I welcome all comments, anonymous or not, regarding her insights into me. Anything. I do not question her perception of me. What I'm looking for is other feedback about how I do these things. I am in NC for a year, and I have a chance to grow while I am away from who I was when I was in OR. I'm working on improving my self, especially my communication with others.

Thank you.

Comments

[jharma.livejournal.com]

I have been thinking about this for the past few days, trying to find a way to put into words the point I want to get across without it sounding harsh. First off, I do agree with much of what is written here. But I don’t want to repeat what is already here. I have debated on whether I should even say what I’m about to say, knowing that there will be many who may disagree with me. But I’ve learned alot from you, much of what I learned I couldn’t have learned from any other, and I am forever grateful for your presence in my life. So I have decided to honor your honesty with some honesty of my own. Of course what follows is my impression, my insight, my thoughts. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt.

I’ve sat back and watched you, watched your interactions with others, and I’ve analyzed our interactions with each other as well. I do believe that you have the best of intentions in everything you do. I believe that the thought that you may be not hearing someone is eating at you, and I believe you will strive to grow from this, until you get to the point where you’re able to recognize and honor someone’s boundaries even if they are unable or unwilling to articulate them. I believe you have the heart of a healer, and you feel best about yourself when you’re helping someone else heal. I believe you will do whatever it takes to be the most effective healer you can be, including facing yourself. I admire you your strength.

One thing I’ve noticed, though, is you seem to be either unable or unwilling to set boundaries for yourself. I see you seeking to be the biggest, the baddest, the best at everything you do, often to your own detriment. I get the strongest impression that what others see as your being unable to hear the word “no” is really your attempt to prove something to yourself or to someone you feel has hurt you, something for which you have never been able to simply forgive yourself for and let go.

Sometimes it feels like you’re searching, sometimes it feels like your hiding, though I know not from what, except maybe yourself. It seems impossible for you to simply “Be” and I really believe that the answers you seek will come to you once you figure out how to do just that. Be.

You give off an intense energy. Sometimes, when in your presence, when talking with you, it’s hard to say no to that energy. Not necessarily because I’m too weak to set my own boundaries, rather it’s from my being unable to say no to someone seeking healing, no matter if it’s on a conscious or subconscious level. Often when talking to you, you would ask me a question, or bring up a subject, and your energy would feel completely opposite from your words.

It took me a while to realize it wasn’t because you were deliberately trying to manipulate anyone. It took me a while to realize that what you help others bring out in themselves is the very things you seek to bring out in yourself. What you do for others, you seek to do for yourself. And it took me a while to realize that you are usually unaware that you are doing it. What I thought was manipulative energy was really just your reaching out to yourself.

Bottom line, for all your studying, all your learning, all your struggles, all of the people you have helped, the one person you seem to be unable to reach is yourself. And I think that is sometimes misconstrued as your being unable to hear or accept the word “no.” Your persuasion, your “manipulative energy” is really you trying to convince yourself to see something, to face something, to prove something, and to let go of something. You’re not really all that different from the rest of us, truth be told.

You seek to be loved, and the love you seek lies within you, just waiting to be embraced, just waiting to be allowed to BE.

Again, you have my utmost respect, and I sincerely hope you know this is written with the purest of intentions.

Namaste,

Jharma

[grim23]

Thank you for your honesty.

Hmmm. Setting boundaries for myself, and driving myself to be better, is what I do best. However, that may be the problem. I do have a very hard time letting myself Be.

It took me a while to realize it wasn’t because you were deliberately trying to manipulate anyone. It took me a while to realize that what you help others bring out in themselves is the very things you seek to bring out in yourself. What you do for others, you seek to do for yourself. And it took me a while to realize that you are usually unaware that you are doing it. What I thought was manipulative energy was really just your reaching out to yourself.

Bottom line, for all your studying, all your learning, all your struggles, all of the people you have helped, the one person you seem to be unable to reach is yourself. And I think that is sometimes misconstrued as your being unable to hear or accept the word “no.” Your persuasion, your “manipulative energy” is really you trying to convince yourself to see something, to face something, to prove something, and to let go of something. You’re not really all that different from the rest of us, truth be told.

Yes! That's it!

However, I seem to have a hard time reaching myself. I am no different from anyone else, in that we are all connected and have flaws, but I have the most difficulty accepting myself for what I am, flaws and all. I am the first to admit I have work to do, and I drive myself to do it, and I teach what I learn to others to teach it to myself. THAT is the problem, and the blessing.

Ah. Thank you.

[jharma.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

Jharma